Getting Elemental Dinner: Gender
Getting Elemental is a series of dinners that facilitate a space to an honest conversation. I got this idea when talking to a fellow graphic designer and it motivated me to partner up with a woman who helps elevate the project. We met in a college class called Social Practices that discusses projects that help people/communities around the globe. We both participated in class discussions but never with each other. Then we randomly met at an ecstatic dance shindig. I now know that she is an urban farmer, she studies anthropology, she travels to do farming, and is a teacher at heart. She hosts events that bring people together for films, food, conversation, and art. Needless to say, a perfect partner for this kind of project!
I propose this dinner project to her on a nice quiet day at the beach. We automatically start to brainstorm. She makes sure that the dinner reflects the concept of my app design. As we’re talking, we become very excited about the whole thing. We decide to create a conceptual menu for dinner, and personally invite people we know would contribute to the conversation at hand. We start with the topic of gender.
Topics for each dinner are somehow linked to self-exploration and intrinsic values of humans; gender, race, insecurities, etc. I can see this project continuing with limitless conversations, from relationships to body image to culture.
The rest of this article talks about the first dinner, the things we talk about, and the menu.
A Conceptual Menu
The menu reflects the idea that something simple, like food, can be prescribed to a gender. We see Men’s Health magazines and female food bloggers. Their demographics target a gender of a certain age. Sometimes it makes sense to give separate advice for different genders because of the differences in our bodies. But sometimes it’s purely based on societal norms. For example, grilling BBQ is a man’s job, or choosing a salad over a hamburger is something a woman would do at dinner. So the menu is inspired by this idea, reflecting our societal structure.
In the world of advertising, grills are sold to men, and other kitchen appliances are sold to women. Women are taught that the man of the house or the alpha male of friends get together will take care of grilling (even if the woman organized the whole damn thing!). Commercials and narratives in movies show a man grilling burgers or steaks and the woman hosting or preparing other foods. It’s just the way it is. So we served grilled veggies with homemade BBQ sauce mirrors the smoky flavors that the grill provides.
We also served a poached egg rupturing over a corn-based salad. Eggs represent fertility. A rupturing yolk works as a metaphor for our emotions and experiences when going through a moment of self-exploration.
Avocado toast with basil pesto and tomato drizzled with olive oil encourages eating the healthy fats every human should consume.
For dessert, we served the chocolate mousse in a cup. The cup constrains the mousse-like the way society limits us. Chocolate is and always has been significant. Depending on where and when in history, chocolate has been used for different things. Mayans used chocolate to cure impotence and for marriage ceremonies. When Europeans found chocolate, it soon became a popular hot drink in a royal court. During World War II, it was advertised to the army as a snack to keep men energized. And now it is an aid for menstrual cramps and heartache.
Many people eat these foods. It’s linked to our society, our cultures, behaviors, comforts, thoughts, opinions, etc.
Explaining the menu is the way we start the night off. It helps lead us into a deeper conversation about gender.
Something as simple as sitting
Explaining the menu is a good introduction to a conversation about the simplicities and complexities of defining gender. I lead the conversation with a thought that comes across my mind when riding the train. In recent years, the MTA is encouraging users not to man-spread — to give others room to sit. The term “man-spreading” automatically links a sitting position to men. Noah, a guest at the table, mentions that’s it’s uncomfortable for a man to sit cross-legged. However, many men comfortably sit cross-legged. We go into a conversation about men we know that are from different countries, professions, and social classes. We are questioning whether comfort has to do with the physical body or culture. And conclude that comfort links to culture and upbringing.
I start sharing an experience I had when I was in Belarus, a country in Eastern Europe. My younger female cousin was sitting comfortably with her legs open. Her dad, my uncle, told her to close her legs. This is a caring and open man, but according to society, it’s not right for his young daughter to sit this way.
A chunk of the dinner conversation is dedicated to our upbringings, about the differences between previous generations and ours. Dice, a woman from Brazil, mentions that she is constantly told that not wearing makeup will make it impossible for her to find a husband. I’ve hear this all the time from my Russian-raised mom. Albeit, she is getting used to the decisions women of my generation are making in America. But other guests are surprised by this. Some people are raised to impress the men around them instead of focusing on what makes themselves comfortable.
Niki and Lex, a lesbian couple, have significant moments with their parents as well. Maybe nothing to do with wearing makeup to find a husband, but about coming out to their parents. Lex’s mom, who is Iraqi Iranian Jewish, was in denial about Lex’s sexuality for 7 years. Niki’s mom, who grew up in Brooklyn, had to leave home for a few days when she realized Niki is a lesbian. Although their parents are from different places, they are from the same generation. They are both from a time where being gay makes parts of one’s life very difficult. We conclude that as the modern youth, we can explore, and are privileged in this way.
We eventually get down to the core of the conversation, and the question arose, “what does it mean to be a woman?” There’s this one scene that talks about this in the second season of Fleabag and partly answers this question. The character talks about the pain that women go through for an entire life — pregnancy, periods. It’s an intrinsic value. I mention that being a target since developing birthing hips is part of being a woman. We have to learn how to deal with all these specific things — these social norms. Same as it is for being a man but in a different way. Sia, a California-raised woman, said that when she was younger, she didn’t identify with being a woman. Since there is such a narrow definition of being a woman, it’s hard to understand what it means when you feel that you don’t fall under the societal meaning.
We slowly transition into the topic of fluidity. I hold a strong belief that there is some masculinity in women and some femininity in men. Of course there are levels. Circling back to the questions, what is femininity? what is masculinity? With the opportunity to explore these questions and go against what we are raised with, we find ourselves.
A couple of us around the dinner table take the conservative stance of being opposed to people “trying out” a different gender when it’s convenient for them. Which is an interesting point of view to have when many of us are in very progressive surroundings most of the time since we live in NYC, go to art school, are in the design world, are part of the queer community, or live in a collective, etc. We are part of these communities as an escape from the restricted cultures of our past.
But is it not ok to take a step back once in a while? It’s nice to facilitate that space where we could question and ponder, understand different points of view on a topic such as gender-change and fluidity, and share our experiences about our cultures, upbringings, and observations.
The First Getting Elemental dinner is a success. People breakthrough, ask interesting questions, say things that they can’t comfortably say out loud. The word “open” here means welcoming to speak about experiences, traumas, revelations, and question things that are not “allowed” to be questioned out in our day to day worlds.
I hope to continue this tradition. Talk about our intrinsic values, keep us human. It brings elements of being human together — food, conversation, intimacy, and being together.
